I Was Going Nowhere The first time I ever smoked pot, I was in fourth grade. I smoked a joint with my older cousin and a neighbor in my bedroom, with my dad downstairs and my mom outback. By the time I was in my teens, my friends and I would buy joints, get quarts of beer and smoke here and there. When they stopped selling joints, I would buy nickel bags, or dime bags if I could afford them. I’ve been working ever since I was old enough, so I could usually afford them. I only went to school high once, and hated it. In my early 20's, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. The doc told me I couldn't drink on my medication, so I stopped drinking completely and started smoking more often. I thought I was better off, because it was actually cheaper than drinking and I didn't have a hangover. I wasn't smoking all night long, but one joint would keep me high for a while, and I was good at rationing my bags. I did start drinking again, but not too much, a weed high is what I really enjoyed. I was also into the whole ceremonial thing about getting high. Breaking the pot up, deseeding, destemming, rolling the joint, passing it around. I was always a joint smoker, never really liked the bongs. I also thought joints were more economical because I could save the roaches and always get a good joint or two from every quarter ounce. By my late 20's I realized I was hooked on weed, but it didn't seem like a problem. I never lost a job over or got arrested. I liked it, I didn't think it was any worse than someone coming home after work and having a beer or two. I wasn't smoking a whole 6 pack of joints for God's sake! Some of my friends were into coke or meth and I’ve dabbled in that, but pot always could make me come down from that high. I thought it was my "chicken soup." I thought "it's not like I’m calling my dealer at 4 in the morning." By now I’m 30 and I am living for Friday at 5, when I can get out of work, and fire up. I could get high all weekend long, veg, watch TV, and cook some pretty awesome meals. My life wasn't horrible by any means, but I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere in life. I knew that if I continued to smoke every day, I wouldn't ever doing anything, except smoke every day. I started thinking about destiny, about how far I knew I could go, about what my purpose in life was. I went to Catholic school for 12 years, and even though I wasn't a practicing Catholic, my Higher Power was always in the back of my mind. I kept thinking, hoping, that something dramatic would happen and I would see everything clear, and realize my purpose in life. My best friend would try to tell me that I have been contributing to this world, that I was making a difference, but I knew deep inside, that I wasn't doing enough. I actually came across Marijuana Anonymous about 2 years ago, accidentally. I was playing around on the computer, and typed in "marijuana," and one of the search results was Marijuana Anonymous. Go figure. I certainly wasn't ready to give up smoking pot at that time, but I was glad to see that there was a program to go to if I wanted, when I was ready. Even at that time, I did check out an online meeting, but I was high and just wanted to see what went on in there. I wasn't fully ready to give up smoking. I just kept on, keeping on. When the events of September 11th happened, it hit me pretty hard. I started thinking of the end of the world or the end of the world, as we know it. The paranoia from the weed smoking only made the fears worse than they would normally be. I worried a lot, but I continued to smoke in order to deal with the stress. I did come to realize, that the ONLY thing that could save me from any horror, was my Higher Power -- not gas masks, not guns, canned food, bottles of water, or any army. I knew if I was on good terms with my Higher Power, there was absolutely no need to worry. But I knew that I was not on the best terms with my Higher Power. To me, my worst sin wasn't that I was smoking pot; it was wasting the gifts that God has given me. Pot was greatly contributing to my lack of purpose. I was struggling with this. In the very beginning of October, I got into trouble at work. I don't like my job, but I do have a strong sense of commitment and responsibility when it comes to my work. Basically, my boss sat me down and said, "I don't know what's going on in your personal life, but you need to get it together." I’ve been at this corporation for 3 years. This also hit me very hard. Nothing like this has ever happened to me at a job. I’ve always felt that I’ve been able to "keep it together." I went home from work, and of course, got high, in order to deal with what was going on. I started praying a whole lot, asking my Higher Power for help. He always answers prayers. It might not be the answer that you want, but He answers, and He never lets you down. As I was down to almost my last joint, my best friend called and said she was going to pick up bag, and asked me if I wanted her to get me one too. At first I said "yeah" and then I said "ya know what? No. I’ll take care of it." That night, I went home from work, smoked, relaxed, and started thinking. I got on the computer, saw that there was an online Marijuana Anonymous meeting that night and attended. Even though I was high at the time, I learned that the only requirement for MA was a desire to quit. And that's what kept me coming back. I finished smoking my roaches that Friday, and that's the last time I ever smoked. It’s been 3 weeks today since I’ve smoked pot and I’m committed to remain free of weed. I know with My Higher Power in my corner, I can do anything. It’s not just abstaining from pot. It’s a big life change for me. I think I’m gonna finally find my purpose in life and that's very exciting. I have to trust in my Higher Power and do His will. It might not turn out exactly like I think, or want, but I’m ready. This journey is going to get tougher. It’s been 3 weeks, and I’m afraid the pink cloud is gonna dissipate. The people who I’ve met through MA have been a great help and inspiration. I think the concept of fellowship works. I think I’m going to make it. Footnote: It's now been over a year since I smoked weed, and life is amazing.